The Quest for a Sandwich
by AtrusKhan
Summary: This is a story of an epic quest. But this quest isn't for some petty thing like a holy grail, or fountain of youth. This is a Quest for a Sandwich. In this quest, any and all means will be taken to retreive the goal, even world domination.
1. Chapter 1

**The Quest…**

For a sandwich

Foreword by the Author 

This story takes place on a physical world much like Earth, but, because it is an alternate reality, the society and technology are very different on this planet called Thera. I warn you, don't make any non-physical comparisons between Thera and Earth, because if you did, they would be wrong. I don't care what they are, I'm the author and I say that they are wrong. Ok, now to the story.

Chapter 1 

Now our hero, Jeesam, well actually hero is to specific of a term, considering that he never does anything heroic, so lets call him the "main character." Now our main character in just getting out of bed, at 2 0'clock in the after noon, with two thoughts foremost in his mind. The first is, _I had too much vodka_, and the second is, _man, I really want a sandwich. _After shakily making his way down the stairs, Jeesam is about to bite into half of a nice juicy chicken sandwich (where the other half is we may never find out.), when suddenly two royal guards knock down the door and grab him.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" Is Jeesam's immediate response.

"You are under arrest." The shorter of the two guards responded.

"May I ask why?"

"Yes, you may."

"Okay, why am I under arrest?"

"At Emperor Shrub's royal parade, you were seen making funny faces and you stated that you think that the Emperor's father is really a Cappy Barra." The shorter guard put on a confused expression and continued, "We are still not sure what a Cappy Barra is, but we are almost positive that it is an insult."

"_Almost_ positive?"

"If you would tell us what it is we could be absolutely positive."

Because a Cappy Barra is the world's largest rodent, Jeesam quickly changed the subject by saying, "Where are you taking me?"

The bulkier of the two guards, who looked like a complete moron (though that is an unfair assumption, for all you know he could be one of the greatest thinkers of the time. Or he could be a complete idiot. I think the latter is more likely.), put on a deep melodramatic voice and said, "You will go to the Emperor's secret prison in the Arctic Circle, which doesn't exist to the public. There you will be forgotten and, eventually, die of old age." The guard then stared at the TV which was playing a program that featured happy, cute bunnies being gored by bendy-straws. Both the other guard and Jeesam stared at him.

The guard regained his composure first. "You will now come with us for the long journey to your doom."


	2. Chapter 2 & 3

**Chapter 2**

After many long months, Jeesam finally arrives in the arctic circle. Normally it wouldn't take this long, but their truck broke down in the frozen tundra. So they had to strap penguins to it to pull them, needless to say, this was very slow.

"Finally we are here" Jeesam said "Ya know it would have been faster had we used the horses in the back."

"Don't ask questions!" The guard said.

"That wasn't a question, you moron!"

"Fine, don't say anything that makes us look bad"

"That could be hard." was Jeesam's retort before he was thrown into a cell.

"Hope you have fun with your cell mate." the guards chuckled as they walked off.

"Wait, I get one phone call."

"Oh, yeah, here."

"Yeah, Bob's sandwich emporium, do you deliver? Good. How about to the arctic circle?"

"IS THIS SOME KIND OF LAME PRANK? I'M GONNA SUE YOU MOTHER F#$R!"

Well that didn't work out so well, Jeesam thought.

"Hey, over here." said a small voice.

Jeesam looked down and saw what looked like a small kid."What's your name?"

"It started a long time ago, in galaxy far, far away..."

"I just wanted to know your name kid!"

"Oh, yeah, my name is Sonam."

Sonam was pretty normal looking, except for being small. Then Jeesam looked him in the eye. Sonam's right eye was twitching so fast it was almost a blur. Jeesam started to get dizzy. He couldn't stop watching the eye. Then, Jeesam hit the floor with a loud smack.

"Yep, that happens alot." Sonam seemed to think this wasn't anything out of the ordinary. "The eye's how I got in here. I liked to come here and make fun of the prisoners. To get in I just challenged the guards to staring contests. But one of them fell off the wall and died so they threw me in here."

"So what's with the twitch?"

"It started a long time ago, in galaxy far, far away..."

"Okay, never mind. How do we get out of here?"

"My friend has a plan, he's only got three more weeks, but he'll help."

"I thought this prison was for life." Jeesam sounded confuzzled.

"It is, but he lives in the village that you didn't notice right outside the gate."

"How do you know I didn't' notice?"

Sonam eyes grew wider, the lights dimmed and he put on a deep creepy voice, "I know everything!"

"Ooookay, creepiness aside, where is this guy?"

Sonam just tapped a brick on the wall and it fell off and now there was a hole between Jeesam's cell and the one next to it. "Hey Gofe the new guy wants to hear your escape plan."

"IT'LL NEVER WORK." shouted a random voice.

"That's just my stupid cellmate, Shlarv." Gofe said, "Okay, here's how the plan goes..."

**Chapter 3**

"Everyone got the plan?" Gofe asked for what seemed the hundredth time.

"Are you sure it will work?" Jeesam said, sounding skeptical, "It seems a little dangerous, we'll be out in the open for a while."

"Once we took a poll of the guards I.Q. the average was 20." Gofe said.

"How did you get out of your cell to take the poll?" Jeesam said.

"The guard's average I.Q. is 20."

"Oh, yeah."

"You sure you're not coming Shlarv?" Gofe asked.

"No, I think ill stay, its ketchup and rice day tomorrow." Shlarv responded.

"Well then, lets get started." Gofe said. Key spy music.

So far, it was an ordinary night, guard 47 thought. He used to have a name, all the guards did, but it was driven out by political propaganda, military training, and military rations. 47 shuddered at the thought of that last one.

47 looked out over the wall of the guard tower and saw something really strange. "When did they paint the prison? It's been a while since I actually looked at anything other than the TV."

"It done been 'bout two yers since they dun went and made the prison that nice, shiney pink." said the other guard, 84, in the tower.

"Hey look" 84 said, "It a couple o' dem walkin' stick thangs."

47 looked over the wall for a second time and thought: wow, twice in one night, that hasn't happened in a long time. Then he saw what appeared to be three prisoners in their bright orange jumpsuits walking out of the prison with bush branches held up in front of their faces. But then again, 47 thought, that's only what it _appeared _to be.

"How do you know they are walking sticks?" 47 said.

"I saw sum thang on the 'scovery channel 'bout dem." 84 responded.

"Are they supposed to have prisoners attached to them?"

"I don't know. After they stopped showin' dem purty pictures I gots bored and dun went and turned the channel to bunnies getten' shtabbed wit bendy straaws."

"It looks suspicious." 47 said, "I think I'll report it." 47 was extremely happy, he hadn't reported anything in years because he hadn't been paying attention. But then the military rations kicked in and 47 had a new idea.

"I think I'll stick my tongue in an electrical socket." he said.

"Shounds like a gud idear", 84 said.

Unfortunately, no one got report anything, or stick anything in anything (Imagine how many ways that can be interpreted) because at that moment something monumental happened that no one even noticed. Kind of like the alien invasion in '68, oh wait, you're not supposed to know that. At that moment, 47 spontaneously combusted while 84 got hit in the head with a meteor. Then lightning struck and destroyed the whole tower. Though no one noticed, as this tower no longer guarded the prison, which had moved years ago, though both of the guards were to stupid to notice. The "Shiny pink building" was actually a pig torture facility set up by the locals where they tried to find out how pigs made this miraculous substance called bacon.

"Wow, I didn't think that would work." Jeesam said.

"Why wouldn't it?" Gofe said indignantly.

"Never mind, how do we get past the last checkpoint?"

"I don't know, I never really expected to make it this far."

"Why don't we just walk through?" Sonam suggested.

"But-" Jeesam started before Sonam interrupted with, "The guards average I.Q. is 20."

"OK, lets go."

The pack was getting restless. Their carefully planned hunt had been delayed, and no one knew why, except that it was critically important to the plot in some way. But it was almost time.

Guard 17 barely noticed the three people in orange jumpsuits walk through the checkpoint. He was really high.

"Those new prison jumpsuits sure are nice." guard 52 said.

'Prison jumpsuits?' 20 thought. About ten minutes later the impact sunk into the Marijuana addicted guards and they raced for the radio. None made it because at that moment a pack of wolves swept down and killed them all in the confusion.

"Well that was easy." Jeesam said.

"Of course." Sonam said.

The group sat there silently for a few minutes.

"What do we do now?" Jeesam asked.

"I guess we head for the nearest town." Gofe said.

"You mean the one around the prison?"

"No" Sonam said, "That one was destroyed when the pigs escaped and stampeded, we'll to go to Mudehol, about 100 miles south across frozen tundra."

"Are we gonna walk?" Jeesam asked.

"No, we'll just take that RV that conveniently survived the stampede."

Suddenly there was a rustling in the bushes. The group tensed, expecting a search party, but out walked... Shlarv.

"What are you doing here?" Gofe exclaimed.

"I don't know, I got lost on the way to the can."

"Do you want to come with us to Mudehol?" Jeesam offered.

"Nah, I think I'll let the ketchup and rice leave my system and then become a hippie or something."

"Whatever, lets just get to the RV."


End file.
